(Official TDD disclaimer: What you are about to read is a true story. The names and details have not been changed to protect the innocent, nor have I taken any liberties to embellish said details for literary benefit. Oh, and my wife Jean wanted me to assure the audience that she is no way endorses this post, nor the exploitation of minors for humorous gain. :)
[Another "Classic Crane" moment brought to you by your good friends at Smokey's. Remember, "Only you can prevent forest fires!"]
"Hold it...Hold it...Hold it...!"
Maybe you've heard that familiar mantra, or more likely for those of you parents, you've chanted that mantra in a feeble attempt to play psychological warfare with your child's bladder. Well, on our trip to Chicago yesterday, the cry rang out from Andrew, "Dad, I have to go to the bathroom really bad!" (You could almost begin to hear the desperation growing in his voice.) And so, the chant began, "Hold it...Hold it...Hold it...!" And the prayers went up, "Please, Lord, please...not here, not now...after all we've done for You."
Seeing as how we were creeping along in the nefarious quagmire that is Chicago traffic--more accurately, we were actually stuck on the inside lane of four lanes, or was it five?--the options were limited and the situation was becoming more precarious by the second. When Andrew's cries for help reached that fevered pitch that every parent dreads, we went into immediate action. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
We had him quickly make his way over suitcases, toys, and siblings and come up to the front so Mommy could help. The only recourse at our disposal was an empty water bottle. It was indeed a perfect plan...
...that is, right up until our little rookie fireman let go of the hose. Like a convulsing snake, it began flailing about as any unmanned hose is inclined to do, dousing everything in its path. And before Mommy could get things headed back in the right direction, our little fireman put out any fires that happened to be flaring up on the dashboard, the radio, my half-finished Mt. Dew...and me. (I still haven't figured out why Jean wasn't on fire, and thus, not in need of a good dousing. Very intriguing how that all played out... :)
That's right, friends, he was going for broke. But fortunately, as any good driver should, I was wearing my seatbelt, which meant I couldn't actually get out of the line of fire even if I'd wanted to. All over my pants, my shirt, my coat, and my arm. Oh, and did mention that the clothes I was wearing were my only dress clothes for the graduation ceremony that night? Nice! (Where was my umbrella when I needed it?)
As you might imagine, Andrew starting feeling very badly and apologizing repeatedly. On the one hand, I felt so bad for him. And then on the other dripping hand, I wanted throttle him. But I managed to keep my cool and we reassured him that it was going to be okay. (Meanwhile, the traffic was still inching along and we were still stuck with nowhere to go and not a lifejacket in sight. It was a very long, very uncomfortable ride to an exit where we were able to get as cleaned up as we could under the circumstances. By the way, there were none of my usual hugs for friends and family when we arrived.)
Jean and I are still trying to figure what exactly happened. Did I roll over a pothole, or what? How did our perfect plan go so very, very wrong?
Needless to say, we are taking our van down to Kopesky's to have it detailed. I don't have the heart to tell them just exactly what they're getting themselves into, except, "Buddy, make sure you get that thing really clean." :)
"Hold it...Hold it...Hold it...!" 
UPDATE: Well, the trip home today was less eventful. The only thing that happened was the driver's side window wouldn't go up after I paid one of the tolls on I-294. Fortunately for us, it was only 38 degrees outside. (I mean, that was a heat wave compared to the frigid temperatures we were walking through last night.) Just another "normal" day in Crane Country. We're just here to help you feel like your life is more normal than you ever realized. :) Have a great weekend!
o my gosh, funny
Posted by: andy | December 13, 2008 at 09:24 PM
That's stinkin hillarious!
Posted by: Peter Eicher | December 13, 2008 at 11:37 PM
wasnt' there something else that went on recently with Andrew that you posted. something that involved another bodily function?
Posted by: andy | December 14, 2008 at 07:19 PM
Hard to say, there've been so many. :) The most recent was the Sunday morning sneak attack with Mark back in September: http://thedailydetour.typepad.com/tdd/2008/09/sunday-morning-sneak-attack.html
Or, perhaps you're thinking back to the "Classic Crane" incident from July of 07 with Andrew: http://thedailydetour.typepad.com/tdd/2007/07/parenting-shoul.html
Is there any way to just have them set up direct deposit with the parental hazard pay?
Posted by: John | December 14, 2008 at 08:01 PM
Hilarious.....
FYI we when we have that situation in the car I actually crawl back and put a diaper on the child and tell them to go in it. Those diapers hold a ton!
Posted by: Abby | December 14, 2008 at 09:54 PM
That's a great idea Abby. I'm thinking the whole family is wearing diapers on the trip home for Christmas. Non-stop service, here we come!
Posted by: Resident Atheist | December 14, 2008 at 10:58 PM
I just bring home some indwelling foley catheters from work and line up the family before our road trips!
Posted by: andy | December 15, 2008 at 11:07 AM
This story made me laugh although it's a very familiar story! I told Darius about his buddy and he laughed.
Posted by: Michelle | December 29, 2008 at 12:09 AM